The Groom's Tight Crew
Maybe the real wedding party is the friends we made along the way...
CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER:
THE BEST MAN
Dave "The Face of STEM" Schmerler
When Dave isn’t being the face of STEM, he’s out enjoying deep dish pizza, crushing Age of Empires II, or looking at satellite photos of North Korean missiles and telling CNN what’s up. He has known the groom for over 10 years and is a treasure.
GROOMSMAN
Alex "The Doc" Broussard
By day, Alex is a biology professor.
By later-that-same-day, he tends to his flock and his garden.
By night he drinks bourbon and chain smokes hunched in a leather armchair. His eyes are bloodshot and he mumbles to himself incomprehensibly whilst ruminating on his beady-eyed subterranean nemeses. Even as the molehills spread across his property, the zines and leaflets that protrude from their entrances grow steadily more radical, confrontational, hateful. Their underground munitions tests an ominous rumble of conflict to come. He drinks and thinks of the futility, the inevitability of war.
He also likes board games.
GROOMSMAN
Asher "Smasher" Friedman
It shouldn’t be possible. How can it be that in the complicated chaos of the cosmos you’ll find this man? Ponder away but not too deeply, for there are no answers. Dedicate your mind instead to more feasible questions like, “When did time begin, and when will it end?” Or “Are eyebrows facial hair?” Or, “If a vampire bites a zombie, does the zombie become a vampire or the vampire become a zombie?” If you pass him on the street, ask him these questions. He won’t have answers, but he’ll put you on the path. A path for the noble. A path for the adventurous. A path which you will clear for all of us to follow. His name is Asher Friedman and he will send you on your journey.
He also likes board games.
GROOMSMAN
Tim "[REDACTED]" Hatfield
By day, he’s a middle-aged man with severe ADHD who works too much and tells awful jokes. By night, he’s… a middle-aged man with severe ADHD who works too much and tells even worse jokes. A symbol of hope to young nerds everywhere that if you just work hard enough, you will still get made fun of even in adulthood (what did you expect, nerd?), but at least you might make a lot of money. The government will steal most of it, but I digress.
What were we talking about again? Did I mention I have severe ADHD? Ah, yes, nuclear fusion reactors are indeed possible and we should all think about that some. Hey, were you on TV?
